The Rules of Earth, for Alien Dummies

With talk of Aliens in the air, and Bluebeam vibes just everywhere, someone should prepare a leaflet for our impending "extraterrestrial visitors", advising them:

1. If you're a particularly murderous little alien, you may want to get rich and pretend to be a "Vaccination Doctor" on earth. They will allow you to kill as many people as you like, and you won't be prosecuted. Best thing is, you can openly discuss your further plans to kill more people, after your initial killing spree.

Action required: Identify as a Doctor.

2. To be rich on earth, you need something called "money". Money comes from a computer, where you simply type in a 1 and then press the zero button as many times as you can before anyone else sees; then press "Send to self". Voila, you're a Gazillionaire (you gotta have a special computer, though).

Action required: Revisit paragraph 1 above.

3. It is more important, for many on earth, to simp, rather than fight for their heritage. The sycophants don't achieve anything, but they feel wanted and happy simping online, not even noticing their own empty, lonely lives, as long as they can get a couple of likes on Insta and Facebook for repeating the talking points of people who hate them.

Action required: None

4. If one of our family members gets brutally slaughtered by a lowlife savage on earth, we go on the news immediately to proclaim, "I'm not a racist. I love and forgive the killer."

(On your alien planet, you probably skin the murderous savage alive and hang him upside down from a tree, but please pay attention and focus now: We don't do that kind of simple, effective justice on earth anymore).

Action required: Be heavily armed and stay alert.

5. We (most of us anyways) believe in God, but not everyone believes in the God of our Ancestors anymore. The God most humans "serve" is simply there to answer their every whimsy and call; He's not that big on Godliness anymore. You can basically sin all you want on earth; no one will complain.

Action required: None

6. Many of our wives and daughters are whores on the internet, and an ever increasing number of our men wear purple hair and pink plastic tits to work.

Action required: Reconsider breeding with the locals.

7. We govern through a system called "Democracy", which means, in practice, that the King does what needs to be done, and then dutifully pretends it's "The Will of the People". It actually works exactly like a Kingdom, but the bourgeoisie don't like that word.

Action requirered: Please say "Democracy".

You're welcome.

Finally, please use only demarcated landing bays, don't exceed your carbon allowance, try some of the bugs, and enjoy (if at all possible) your stay!